This week on my Instagram stories I was talking about how much I love the respectful approach of positive parenting. Our children are in fact human beings and we should treat them this way. And honestly it can be a little hard for so many parents of color because of the cultural norm is so far from this. Mama, breaking patterns is far from easy but together we can do it.
What I have learned about parenting outside of the norm of your culture or family is that you first have to accept that this is your journey, and you have the right to really form it into any experience you want. I am no professional, and I am constantly reading, listening to podcasts, following folks I admire because I do not know it all but I think that as I go on in this journey I cannot be the only one looking to make changes.
When I am asked how to start or told that it’s too overwhelming to change so much at once, I say, change one thing. One thing at a time. So here are 10 things you can choose from, do one.
Smile more. I put this on my instagram stories as a challenge and will do the same here. Smile at your kids more because in the the way we rush through life, to do lists, home and work responsibilities and caring for small humans we can
Apologize. Yup, we make mistakes, yell, get mad, shoot we all have meltdowns but what happens after, the apology for the yelling or being angry at a mess or whatever means the most. It shows our kiddos in real time experience that they too can start over.
Not trying to stop the emotions. Setting boundaries on behaviors is important but stopping feelings, telling a child not to cry or that he should not be mad, sad, jealous isn’t fair. We wouldn’t want to be told to stop feeling anxious or sad, so why do that to them. I tryinf to dig deep and remind myself, yes it is uncomfortable to see them having big emotions but helping them get through it is what my job is. Try saying any of these , this is hard right now, you are sad right now, you were really mad that she took that, you don’t like when I say no. And always end with, and I love you, I will love you no matter what because you are a good kid having a hard time. (If I am in a public place I tell my child that I am going to move them to a place where they can have their feelings safely).
Setting them up for success. Telling them how to behave ahead of time is key. walking into the living room, remember the sofa is meant for sitting not jumping. In the playroom, let’s remember our rule, one toy / play basket out at a time. I can help you clean up when you are ready to switch. Walking into a store, we are going to stick to our list, this is not a toy buying trip if it’s easier not to look at them we can skip those aisle today.
Change the way we ask for things. Instead of: don’t run= please walk. Don’t hit/stop touching= let’s use words instead of hands or hands to yourself. Calm down= you are having a really hard time right now let me know when you are ready for me to help or come up with a plan. No you can’t have a treat = yes you can have a treat with your lunch or dinner. I can’t right now= I can as soon as I finish setting up for dinner. Don‘t whine = let’s try that again using a normal voice. No yelling= I know you are having a fun time but it‘s hurting my ears could you use this volume of a voice. Positive language changed the work place, friendships, classrooms and can truly impact how amour kids feel at the end of the day.
Be present. Even just ten minutes with eye contact, them leading the play or conversation with no phones and just the two of you every day can be game changing.
Give two options with the same outcome. Independence is key! Would you like carrots or peppers with your lunch? Red or blue socks. Pink or purple plate? Listen to Old Mc Donald or the Sing 2 sound track when you get buckled in?
Check in with your child during a hard time, we like to remind the girls have you checked with you body? short tempera, bad attitudes, talk back, whining, I mean we can usually tell when our kiddos need a bathroom break, are hubgry, or haven’t hydrated their body or are simply over tired/over stimulated.
Try again. We all need this chance sometimes, but try again is what my response to sass, forgetting manners, angryvtalk back, dropping laundry on the floor, lying about brushing teeth or anything really. Try again.
Skip Timeout. Yes, you read that correctly. Remember that behavior is a way of communicating, even at 8 or 9 a child is still not 100% able to identify and communicate all feelings. Shoot at almost 40 I have to dig deep sometimes to identify what it is exactly I am feeling. So instead of punishing for the attempt to communicate try giving a calm down corner, some emotion cards, a few books on feelings, comfy spot to snuggle where they can choose to be solo or have company. I would also suggest not leaving them alone either, saying hey I am here to keep you safe, to be near you if you need me is a better message.
Give everyone grace. Yup. Remember you are human, they are human and we all deserve a little wiggle room as we create new habits.
No more good job.Validate the work and effort, try this instead wow you worked so hard in that and it shows. You have been studying hard and look what happened, how does it feel? I knew you could do it! I love the colors on that picture. Good job, you are so smart, and many other sayings can be empty, and trains a child to look for validation rather than really look for how it makes them feel.
Do not compare. No kid is the same, not by age, not because they are siblings, not because you wish it. So and so is playing you should too, little one is walked at 1 you should too, your sister read at 4 so you should too. The trap is deep and harmful, so walk away from that and remember every single child has their own gifts, they learn differently, they meet milestones at different times. By comparing they learn to compare. Look at your unique child as the gem they are, list out their gifts and fill them with praise on the way they are.
Natural consequences. When you can allow them to experience natural consequences they safely can. We cringe when our kids suffer, get in trouble for no homework, fall off the swing for using it incorrectly, break a favorite crown for bending it (after we tell them to be gentle over and over), but sometimes experience is our best teacher.
Be the good cop. Catch your kids doing good! Especially with things they struggle with. Thank you for walking in the house, you hung up your backpack like we ask you too that is big girl status, you remembered to take out the trash thank you! I promise that by praising the good you will see more good.
My goal as a mom is to raise, kind, thoughtful, confident humans that know how to channel emotions, who know what to do in overwhelming times and always feel like they have a safe place to land.
And remember that this does not happen or become a habit over night, it takes work and consistency to see any change but this mama is here to tell you that your heart will be fuller as you see that positive parenting also serves the parent as well, not just the child.
Life is a lot, and we can only hope that they are better than us.
xoxo
Natal
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