When Our Babies Aren't Ok

(oldie photos but still some of my favorites)

I started this "Mama Diaries" series to be able to be free to talk about anything. But here comes a time in my life when I have found myself with a lump in my throat and now words. When thinking about the last year... About the year where my heart was fuller than ever yet broken at the same time. I started writing this post months ago, yet hesitated hitting publish.

Our sweet babe had had a low grade fever for about a month. But with teething and no other real symptoms we held off on any panic. At her 9 month appointment I mentioned it to the pediatrician, so she decided to run some bloodwork.

I knew instantly that something was wrong the moment that our pedi called us that night. Months before (after Ami's 4 month wellness check-up) we got a similar call to tell us about Ami's hips and that she would wear a brace, so the moment that I saw the call come through this time, I held my breath. And I honestly held it from August until February.

The only words I remember were her white blood count was very low. I will stop here and say that Ami is ok, we have answers and it has taken a long time to adjust to our new normal but she is ok.

Our pediatrician wanted to run more tests, hold off on vaccinations because of a risk of her not being able to fight off any live viruses. But every time we went in she had a fever and the blood work was just not going to give us the answers we needed.

And long, scary (for us) story short we ended up with months of no real answers and our brains/hearts racing and preparing for worse case scenarios. The words blood cancers and auto immune diseases and so many other things that we read kept me on the verge of wanting to vomit, cry or scream at any moment. We had some scary emergency visits, one that allowed us to see how scary it is to have a babe that can't fight off infection, high fevers, catheters, blood work and still not a clear picture.

We could not keep her healthy (thank you pre-school germs!) and finally we made the decision with our pedi to pull Zoe from school and get everyone healthy. We paused dance and yoga and play dates. It was the hardest on our Zoe but we did what we had to. Like any parent would do to keep our baby healthy.

Fast forward through months of worry, tests and becoming familiar with the hematology team at Children's Hospital, all the way to a diagnosis of Neutropenia. Which in laymen terms means that Amani's body attacks the white blood cells that your body produces daily to fight infection.

What does this mean? A lot. But mainly, it means a new normal for our family. It means that this flu/cold season was a time of learning this new normal, limited playdates, constant disinfecting of everything, stretches of panic and anxiety from mama. And honestly an isolating time. And monitoring her temperature. Anything over 101.1 warrants a visit to her Hematologist at Children's Hospital or the ER (which is the least likely place for a baby with Neutropenia) with our diagnosis card that supplies a doctor with the severity of a low grade fever and her treatment plan. But mainly it's something we can and will live with.

I had such a hard time with saying any of this out loud, because I felt like any time we spoke about everything it made it REAL. I mean guys, it was real, it was gut wrenching real but you know, saying it out loud just really messed with me and had me just isolating myself. Feeling like I was drowning, like I couldn't take a breath and just fucking scared. These are our babies. no one in this world to keep them safe other than us and well the thought of not being able to protect her really broke me down.

I write this so that any of you going through something similar. So that any time life makes you feel like you're a failure or just pure uncertainty that may drive you insane. When you feel completely alone. Know that you aren't. Know that you can always find a place to lean on here. For me it was my husband, a handful of friends/family that just listened. Those that allowed me to fear and wept with me instead of saying it would be ok. Those that let me be weak and fall to my knees instead of telling me to be strong.

Our lives have changed, and I am grateful for my girls in a way that I can't explain with just words. I look at them, through very different eyes, a bigger softer heart and with such hope. I also know that I want to do more for mamas that sat with me in hospital waiting rooms, mamas with babies that didn't get the best case scenario. I know I was meant to do more with that and I will. Thank you for listening, for reading, for following, for praying, for everything. You guys are my village and this little place is such a place of therapy for me.

xoxox

Natalie

PS I truly thank those of you that have been on this journey with us. The words of wisdom, the sweet slings that helped us get through each day, the prayers, thoughts and just pure love for our girl. Man oh man, I am the luckiest girl in the world. THANK YOU.

#mamadiaries

Hey Mama, Take Care of You

Hey mamas,

New week is here and I am determined to turn this mood around!

Let's talk about self care. Because I feel like this is how you can turn things around.

Life has been really hard this last year, first with my little Ami's hip issues, the worry of the unknown, the constant crying and cluster feeding to most recently some health issues and finally a diagnosis for our Ami (I promise to talk about this soon) reminded us that we need to really be present in today. In these moments. We need to live, feel, taste, enjoy, sit, snuggle, kiss, hold, rock and really just be. Which is insanely possible for me.

Another thing the last few months have taught me is the importance to check in with myself. As a mama, we give, give, give, give and even when it feels like nothing is left in the tank we give some more. It is f'ing worth it. It is. But I have learned that if you don't fill that tank regularly you will burn out. And there will be nothing to give. All that is left is half assness, frustration over silly things and tears. So many tears.

So here I am telling you, take the time to meditate (this podcast was recommended and I love it), get that massage, take your morning walks, or get up before the crew and enjoy one hot cup of coffee alone which is my favorite. Write in your journal. Call your bestie. Cry. Take that stroll around Target and buy a few things you don't need.

Whatever filling your tank may be, make time for it and do it regularly. A couple weeks ago, out of the blue my mama friends and I had a spontaneous drink date. A couple hours of chatting about our girls! lol We really tried to stray away from talking about our babies but it kept coming back to the little humans that brought us together. I walked away with a pep in my step. A much needed moment of me time. No one asking for water, catching sippy cups, cutting food or to be picked up, no one nursing and for a little bit I was just me and my gf's sitting at a restaurant on a Thursday night (and seriously wondering how the heck so many people were out!) .

Another way I make sure I get a break daily Is that I have Zoe take her quiet time in her room now, while Ami takes her second nap. This allows me to work on this little blog, work on my growing Beautycounter gig and sometimes to simply sip that Diet Coke in quiet. I also take this time to start dinner, alone and a podcast or my book on tape.

I also make sure I talk things out, the hubby is great for this but my mom, sister and besties are also ones I lean on when I need to just say everything I am feeling out loud without being judged. I feel like I have someone for different things. Whatever it is I am saying or saying to, having a sounding board is key.

I love buying flowers, the hubby has taken over the grocery detail during these winter months and he always brings home whatever is on sale and spreading them through out the house just makes me happy. Especially during these gloomy winter days. I do need to get myself into a flower arranging class!

Diffusing oils. Citrus fresh, lemon, lime, grapefruit, ylang ylang, gentle baby, stress away and lavender. All some of my favorite things to do diffuse. I have become a hoarder of diffusers and my collection/obsession of oils has really helped with my self care. One of my favorite things is turning on my diffuser in my bedroom before the girls bedtime routine, and then after they are down my room becomes my little sanctuary.

Skin Care Routine. This is how I know I am getting old... lol but taking the time to take care of my skin, put on a face mask, sip my wine, slather my face with oils and my favorite over night mask is EVERYTHING. Not only am I investing in my body but it's probably my favorite part of the evening.

I'd love to hear what you do for self care, comment below or comment on my last IG post! Cheers to doing this whole mama thing together, because there is NO WAY we could do this alone.

xoxo

Natalie

#beautycounter #skincare #safeskincare #saferskincare

Scary Encounter

Hey mamas,

A little radio silence over the weekend until now. The hubby was so sick that I literally spent the weekend keeping the girls away from him and letting him rest. Never a way I want to spend a long weekend but he got rest, we got some time with Mimi (my mama) because we cannot risk Ami getting any type of infection. And then the gorgeous weather the last couple days has my mind wandering to spring!

I wanted to share a story that I tried to share on my Instagram stories but every time I tried to tell it live, this big ol' lump in my throat wouldn't let me. Bare with me, this is a long one!

So instead, I put the girls down for an afternoon nap and I cracked open my diet coke. And sat here typing out my story. Not for pity or support but for awareness. Because I got a little of a wakeup call this past Friday morning and everything could have gone really wrong. It left me with a knot in my stomach that is still sitting there. And to be honest, writing on this little space of mine allows me to cope with things in a way I had never imagined. So here goes.

On Friday our home was getting a deep cleaning (yay!!) so we headed out for donuts at our local farm and then a long drive to get that car nap in. Last minute I decided to jump on the highway and head to a store (edited to not include store name, DM me for the name) for some mirrors I have been wanting to look at for one of our bathrooms. With two kids in tow, no real lunch packed, I knew I pretty much had a ticking time bomb, so we toured the Easter stuff and then hit up the housewares.

Finally we saw the mirrors, took some photos and headed to the cashier counter. There was a man, he was so was out of place, his clothes were pretty dirty (think construction worker after work) standing behind us. He was probably in late 30's early 40's and 6ish feet tall. And he didn't appear to have anything in his hands but was standing in line behind us, and he was simply standing too close for comfort. I had Ami in my arms, and was giving Zoe a pep talk about this not being a toy buying trip, he kept making silly comments to Zoe about how cute the toys were and playing peek-a-boo with Ami, but never spoke to me. A part of me was like, at least they are entertained and no meltdowns happening!

But the other part of me kept thinking, WHY THE HELL is this man standing so close.

I sat Ami in cart to get our items on the counter and paid. Zoe proceeds to say goodbye to half the store and I promised her gummies if she got in the car seat without any issues. As we were crossing the parking lot a man called out for us and jogged up behind me. My stomach pretty much turned as I glanced over my shoulder and saw it was him again. But then I looked at the cart and thought, I must have forgotten something?!. He turned right to Zoe and said you were so good today that I bought you this. Whats your name, my name is Michael." Looking straight at Zoe and not me. He kept reaching out to shake Zoe's hand but I put my body between him and the girls. Zoe of course answers him, "my name is Zoe, this is for me. Wow!!!!".

I didn't want to seem rude so I reached out to shake his hand but he did not take it, he kept trying to go around me to shake Zoe's hand. Weird. Right? So f'ing weird. He then turns to Ami who was sitting in the shopping cart "and this is for you cutie, what's your name" Zoe promptly answers, "this is Ami but we call her Birdie". At this point all my mama instincts were screaming GET THE F OUT.

I glance quickly around the parking lot and there is a really beat up cadillac that had the engine running with a man in the driver seat, it was stopped behind us, close enough that I could touch it if I reached out. And I almost panicked. Every ounce of my being was saying my babies and I were in danger. He then said, "Zoe you had my heart right from the start." and he made a final attempt to shake her hand, mind you my kid really wants to shake his hand, because he bought her a stuffed animal. blehhh Can you hear the disgust in my voice? blehhh.

Zoe then replies, "mama we know his name, he is our friend! Can I keep it." I just grabbed her arm and said thank you sir we have to go.

His response, "were is your daddy? is he working?" I quickly answered he is right in that store (he was not) and we have to go because he is waiting for us. I grabbed my smiling toddler, Ami out of the cart and headed toward my car (which was not far) leaving my cart behind. He jumped into the back seat of the car that was waiting and it quickly backed up and left.

It took me about 3 minutes with us safely in the car and the doors locked to build the courage to get back out to grab my diaper bag and shopping bags. And when I did an older woman standing with her keys in her hand, said "that was really weird, are you ok". The only words that came out where, "oh my god, I am glad it wasn't just me that felt something was wrong." I jumped in the car, locked the door and quickly dialed my husband.

In hindsight I pretty much saw this man in every corner we turned, he was never super close but a few times he worked hard to get the girls to smile and made some silly comments. I think the only reason I even remembered was because he seemed SO OUT OF PLACE.

I have cried, and thought and cried some more about this. We have worked so hard to teach my daughter to be friendly, and kind. I've taught her not to stare or be mean. To share. To say thank you , excuse me and to shake hands when meeting someone. We've taught her to stay close when we are out because she may get lost, not because someone may try and take her. Which I am almost certain is what would have happened if my mama instincts didn't kick in right away.

I thought I had time to teach her about bad people, that do bad things for no real reason. I honestly thought I had more time. But what I learned a couple days ago, is that bad people still exist, even if we don't talk about them. The only way I can protect her is by having a plan. I honestly don't know what that plan is, or what I should say to her, or what book is going to help me. I do know that as dramatic as it may sound, that moment right there changed the way I'll be around strangers. And I hope it changes the way you will be also.

Shortly after we pulled out of the lot, my sweet Zoe said, "mama but I was so good, and listened why are you not letting me keep it". It took me a couple minutes to respond and what I said was "baby you were so so so good. but this toy was not a reward from mama, it was something from someone we don't know and well that makes it weird. some people do things that don't make sense but that is what mamas and dadas are here for. how about we get a treat for your good behavior".

Ugghhh I hate having to be so debbie downer on here but I promise to come back and share more on how we can prepare to protect and teach our little ones.

And I hope that sharing this scary encounter (that ended well) opens your eyes a bit and reminds you that you always have to be hyper aware of your surroundings, especially when you have more than one little one to keep your eye on. But I am hoping that you never have to feel the way I felt that Friday morning.

xoxoxo

Natalie

#mamadiaries #stranger #strangerdanger